saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
