I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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