I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just invented taco cereal.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
