My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
