Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
