I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
