I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
