SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
