But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hippo gnu deer
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
