there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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