I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
