you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
