I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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