I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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