apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
