wrigley field is MILF paradise
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
