just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
