I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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