i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
