I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
