i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize