at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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