I love black thongs
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
