I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
