Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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