I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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