It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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