if you like me you must not know who I am
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
