I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
