you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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