Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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