I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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