I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
