i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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