someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
