She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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