you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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