Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
