Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
