Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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