I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
