Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize