Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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