I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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