note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
