Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
