I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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