He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
