I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
