Whod you bang
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
