Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
