could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
