there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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