It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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