he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
