She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
