Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
