I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
